The Myth of Effortless Connection
The truth about adult friendship: it takes effort, and that’s a good thing
The last time an adult tried to connect with me, she said something small but surprising:
“I feel like we have a lot in common. It feels nice to talk to you.”
I remember it not because it was dramatic, but because it was rare. Adults don’t usually say things like that to other adults. We don’t offer affection without history. We don’t show interest unless it’s casual or already mutual.
And yet, here was someone taking a risk — inviting the possibility of real friendship. It made me realize how seldom we do that as grown-ups.
We Expect Friendship to Be Effortless
Somewhere along the way, we started believing that connection should just happen. After all, that’s how it worked when we were kids. You’d spot someone your age on the playground, and it was “What’s your name? Want to be friends?” Bam! Friends.
In early adulthood most of us had our core friend groups. New connections came through work or mutual friends — but even that felt harder. It wasn’t like the playground anymore. It started to seem like there were only two options: deep-rooted friendships or no one at all.
We tell ourselves:
“I already have my people.”
“It’s too late to make new friends.”
And so then we assume on meeting new people:
“They probably already have a full life — I’m the odd one out.”
And so we don’t try.
Effort Isn’t Desperation — It’s Courage
Trying doesn’t make you needy. When we put effort into connection — inviting someone to coffee, suggesting a walk, showing up for a local event — we’re not being desperate. We’re being brave.
And we don’t need to be weird about it. Our intent might simply be to make more connections that aren’t online. It can be as easy as saying, “Hey, want to grab a coffee?” That’s all it takes to open the door.
Of course new friendships take work. But so do old ones. Every relationship, like a well-loved car, needs maintenance. A text to check in. A plan to get together. A question about their life. Showing up for their moments.
The effort made in creating new friendships and maintaining older ones is actually self-care-staying connected in an isolating environment.
Everyone’s Waiting for Someone to Go First
That now great friend who reached out to me first? Maybe she felt awkward doing so, but she bothered, and it made a difference to me.
Most of us are just longing for small honesty. Someone to say:
“You’re fun to talk to.”
“I always feel better after I see you.”
“I’d like to stay in touch.”
The Drift Isn’t Permanent
Last week, I wrote about The Quiet Drift—how isolation creeps in, how life moves us apart. This week, I want to remind both of us:
Connection takes effort. Effort feels vulnerable — and that makes it brave. Your small act of reaching out might mean everything to someone else. Breaking the cycle of endless scrolling could be as simple as suggesting a coffee break together.
So go ahead. Be the one who goes first.
Inspirational!